Whats going on with Richie 4?

I last left you with the understanding that I suffer from Clinical Depression and anxiety disorder. Apparently that is argumentative to some that this could happen to someone via a bio-chemical reaction to some medication. To you I say whatever! So as Paul Harvey would say “here is the rest of the story!” Being completely irrational and cognitively impaired my wife forced me into our car. We dropped our children off at a wonderful friend of ours home. Then proceed to the hospital were I was admitted into their Psychiatric unit for fourteen days. I have mixed emotions about sharing this because in our culture and in my family these types of problems were just dealt with and not expressed. “Buck up” or the ole pull yourself up by your boot straps was the attitude I generally received. You certainly didn’t go into a psych ward for treatment and help! Which is to me know seems odd considering hours before I had a gun to my head ready to end my life! How do you “buck it up” from that? The other reaction I got was that I needed to pray more! Really, no kidding I am a Pastor I have a clear understanding of the vital need for pray in my life. Another reaction I received was I had sin in my life….. Now for most you this is a no brainer! The bible says “all have sinned” we are all sinners. I know I have sin in my life. I also know that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my sin and that sin is forgiven. But let us not stray into a theological discussion on this point and stick with my story. As the doctors began treating the chemical imbalance in my brain some of the darkness and despair started to lift. The hurt and loneliness and mistrust of people was still there but the hopelessness and despair were waning. This is when I really began to look for what God was doing! The Why? God why are you putting me through this nightmare? God didn’t answer…… not right away. I battled in struggling to find God in all this mess of my life. I will freely admit this was a dark time in my life. I questioned everything. I pleaded with God. I yelled at God. I ignored Him. I cried to him. Then as I was reading my bible God put me in Matt 11:28…… “Come unto me all who struggle all that have falling under the weight of life, Come to me you who are carrying such heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” I cried like a 14 year old girl! (Sorry 14yo girls you will understand one day). God I cannot make it on my own. I cannot go another step with me carrying these burdens. I gave it over to God. I spent my fourteen days there and gained strength. I started to get my feet under me so I could function and they released me. I was free out in the world again. I would love to say it was all peaches and strawberries from then on but it wasn’t! I had many friends who told me they would support me and be there for me. That they would check up on me and encourage me. Some, God bless them, have done just that and been so faithful and true. Other just walked away completely! Some realizing that I was still a mess couldn’t bare the swings in mood and the ups and downs that go with depression. Soon those just faded away! They have their own lives to deal with and their own business to worry about. It was fine! I found some really true friends who rose up and helped me battle what I am going through. You see I know I am not fine. I know I still struggle with loneliness, rejection and abandonment. I battle my mind everyday telling myself that I have friends and people who really care about me. It is a struggle which at times I win and other times I do not. That is what is hard for people to understand! The one day I was driving back from therapy and God in his infinite wisdom and love put a song into my head. What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry Everything to God in prayer. Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere? We should never be discouraged; Take it to the Lord in prayer. Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness; Take it to the Lord in prayer. I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t hopeless! Those friends who are to busy or scared to talk with me arent my worry, much, anymore. I have a friend who loves me and will carry my burdens. I am by no means better. Many nights I suffer in agony and loneliness. Where despair grips my heart. When there is no one to reach out to pull me up. I sing this song! I trust my savior to carry me and guide me. I have more to my story of what is going on but some of it is not information I am able to share. What I wish most is that if you are struggling I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! You are not different we all experience tough times and up and downs. When the downs stay and overwhelm you, its time to talk to someone not “buck it up”! Its not easy! I still hurt I still cry myself to sleep with depression. I still get overwhelmed with anxiety but I have help. I have a Savior!

What is going on with Richie? Part 3

I almost quit writing these....apparently I am just seeking attention and should keep these things private. I almost believed that until I received a note from an old friend in the military. He told me that he had been in the same exact place I was and he had a failed attempt! Praise God! I received another note from a friend that while I was sitting on the edge of my bed he was going through one of the worst times in his life also. I had another friend tell me about a tragedy that had happened in his life that almost drove him to suicide and the depression that followed him. If you think I am seeking attention then the answer for you is simple, don’t pay attention. These men and some women have all told me about their lives and their stories not because they wanted attention or thought I needed attention but because I think we have all been to that same point in life. For some it is hard to imagine how someone could kill themselves. Shoot I was one of those people. My cousin killed himself he was like my little brother. I could never understand why? Not atleast until I sat on the edge of my own bed with my own gun under my chin. I knew what he felt. Have you ever come inside on a bright sunny day and had the brief moment where your eyes had to adjust and before you could see? Everything is black! Have you ever gone on those mine tours where they take you down into the mine and shut the lights off just so you get the effect of how dark it can be? That is the place I am at on the edge of my bed! No hopes, no tomorrow, just despair and utter darkness. You cannot see the ones who loved ones standing there in front of you. You cannot see the beauty that lay in front of you in your own children! The idea that tomorrow might be better doesn’t even cross your mind. Tomorrow is just another day of turmoil! Another day filled with pain, hurt and sorrow. Oh I can now understand why people do it! You see I was suffering from Clinical Depression. I was in grave danger and didn’t know it. I had been for days wandering around in this darkness grasping in the dark for help. Longing for something or someone to pull me out! Those who tried I ended up driving away with my mistrust and craziness. Others tried but they were too scared to say something or do something! Yet others just walked away. The depression took every rational thought I had and spun it around. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. My mind wouldn’t stop the questions and questioning of everything. Did my wife love me? Do my children love me? That friend wont talk to me, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Why are they looking at me and talking? Are they talking about me? There is a logical clinical explanation for this but I didn’t know that at the time! I was just depressed and suicidal. For me this is where God did a miracle. Suddenly through the darkness I could hear my children playing. I could hear their voices and laughter. I could see their faces and the faces of my family. The faces of some dear friends I had been through so much with and whom I deeply loved, God put all of these into my head! I couldn’t do it! I stood up and unloaded my gun. I walked into the living room where my kids were playing and sat down and just cried. At that moment unknown to me my wife was on the phone with the Crisis Intervention team because she was worried about me. They advised her to bring me to the hospital right away because of my diabetes. She didn’t hesitate! She rushed our kids to the car and demanded I get into the car! I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t go, I was a pastor! I was a man and I could handle this! As with both cried she threatened to call the fired department on me……Dang I am on the Fire Department! That would mean every one of those guys would see me blubbering like a girl here in my house. I stood up and got in the car! God had intervened in my life. Yet God is not done with me stretching me yet……….

Solid Ground

So I have had a great internal debate as to how much of the spiritual aspect I should go into on my blog. I like for all to be able to read what I have learned and take something from it and use it into their own lives. But when it comes to spiritual and religious things people tend to get their ire up quickly. So in my mind the debate raged! I know what your saying "there is alot of room for that fight up there!" Well yes that is true! But, I came to the conclusion that I believe what I believe because I studied hard and searched intently to understand. The same way I did with everything else in my life! So if I share my relentless desire to better myself physically and mentally I also should share what I have learned spiritually! So here it goes......

C.S. Lewis wrote, "There are lots of things you can do with sand; but do not try building a house on it." This is a wonderful statement if you understand the how foundations work. Sand is not a stable source to build upon. It will not pack and washes away very easy. Jesus used this illustration in the bible with the foolish man who built his house and the sand. And the wise man who built his house on the rock. The meaning behind the parable is that we should be build our lives on things that are solid! My intent here is not to debate or start an argument for Christianity. My intent is to simply ask what have you built your life upon? Through my adolescent and teenage years I did many things that I am not proud of, I was self centered and very very egotistical. I lived for me, for what made Richie happy and never gave a second thought about anyone else. I begin to study the bible. Now, not out of a want of spiritual gain but out of the idea that I was tired of my family using it to try to "help" me. As I studied I began to see that the facts and stories and the history found in the bible could be verified! I was stunned by this! I had gone through college and was taught that these were just fairy tales and stories made up to illustrate certain religious points. Yet here I find scholar after scholar who can attest to the times and places. The major hang up comes with the miracles we find happening throughout the bible.....are they true? What I found....Yes they are! Now I don't want you to take my word for it.  Don't believe cause I believe you go and look and study for yourself. Physical I cannot lift weights to make you stronger or do cardio to make you healthier. Mentally I cannot read for you to make you smarter! You need to do these things on your own and by yourself. Don't look around or look at someone else and what they have done, just do it yourself! Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and ask, "what have I built my house on?" Consider that maybe the reason you are struggling and not happy is because you have been building in the wrong spot!

Ok so on my last post someone asked if it was just for guys..... No this isn't something I am doing just for guys, pastors or parents. Just some things I have learned along the way that I want to share with the world. LOL Because I am sure the world is looking at my blog ;)
So how do we develop this drive to be the best we can? How do we overcome our circumstances? Or even overcome ourselves?
Well, first lets look at who we are as humans. I believe our lives can be split up into three separate but equal parts. The first would be mental. Meaning my knowledge, common sense, experiences create how I think and react towards things in life. The second would be Physical. What kind of shape my body is in! Oh and yes round is a shape. But specifically the general health you have in you life. Third is Spiritual. Many people would scoff at the idea of our spiritual life having a major impact in life, until  you consider that the majority of the world believes in the spiritual. There is something in each one of us that draws us to considering faith.

So in our pursuit to better ourselves to pursue our dreams we need to realize that we have to have a balance in our lives. With out this balance is where problems in our lives are created. So on our walk through life lets remember to be balanced! Attain that balance well......that is what I hope to share with you all...... not that i am perfect.

 
   Know that wisdom is such to your soul;
   if you find it, there will be a future,
   and your hope will not be cut off.
                               Psalms 24:14

Being Relentless

As we start let me define for you what the meaning of relentless is;

 

1. Unyielding in severity or strictness; unrelenting:

2. Steady and persistent; unremitting

 

The goal of this blog is to help us, me included, become relentless in our pursuits in life. Not just to acheive goals or a specific level, but pursue them with intense strictness! To be relentless in being a father. To be relentless as husband. To be relentless as a speaker.

This doesnt happen the easy way. There is no simple formula to help you become relentless. It is something that has to take over you entire life and be part of your entire life. Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. Wanting to become a relentless person will require you to not only face the future but face somethings in your past that have held you back. So, as Jeffery Gitomer says, "Its time to Kick your own butt"!

 

Remember the only one holding you back is you!

 

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13