What is going on with Richie? Part 3

I almost quit writing these....apparently I am just seeking attention and should keep these things private. I almost believed that until I received a note from an old friend in the military. He told me that he had been in the same exact place I was and he had a failed attempt! Praise God! I received another note from a friend that while I was sitting on the edge of my bed he was going through one of the worst times in his life also. I had another friend tell me about a tragedy that had happened in his life that almost drove him to suicide and the depression that followed him. If you think I am seeking attention then the answer for you is simple, don’t pay attention. These men and some women have all told me about their lives and their stories not because they wanted attention or thought I needed attention but because I think we have all been to that same point in life. For some it is hard to imagine how someone could kill themselves. Shoot I was one of those people. My cousin killed himself he was like my little brother. I could never understand why? Not atleast until I sat on the edge of my own bed with my own gun under my chin. I knew what he felt. Have you ever come inside on a bright sunny day and had the brief moment where your eyes had to adjust and before you could see? Everything is black! Have you ever gone on those mine tours where they take you down into the mine and shut the lights off just so you get the effect of how dark it can be? That is the place I am at on the edge of my bed! No hopes, no tomorrow, just despair and utter darkness. You cannot see the ones who loved ones standing there in front of you. You cannot see the beauty that lay in front of you in your own children! The idea that tomorrow might be better doesn’t even cross your mind. Tomorrow is just another day of turmoil! Another day filled with pain, hurt and sorrow. Oh I can now understand why people do it! You see I was suffering from Clinical Depression. I was in grave danger and didn’t know it. I had been for days wandering around in this darkness grasping in the dark for help. Longing for something or someone to pull me out! Those who tried I ended up driving away with my mistrust and craziness. Others tried but they were too scared to say something or do something! Yet others just walked away. The depression took every rational thought I had and spun it around. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. My mind wouldn’t stop the questions and questioning of everything. Did my wife love me? Do my children love me? That friend wont talk to me, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Why are they looking at me and talking? Are they talking about me? There is a logical clinical explanation for this but I didn’t know that at the time! I was just depressed and suicidal. For me this is where God did a miracle. Suddenly through the darkness I could hear my children playing. I could hear their voices and laughter. I could see their faces and the faces of my family. The faces of some dear friends I had been through so much with and whom I deeply loved, God put all of these into my head! I couldn’t do it! I stood up and unloaded my gun. I walked into the living room where my kids were playing and sat down and just cried. At that moment unknown to me my wife was on the phone with the Crisis Intervention team because she was worried about me. They advised her to bring me to the hospital right away because of my diabetes. She didn’t hesitate! She rushed our kids to the car and demanded I get into the car! I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t go, I was a pastor! I was a man and I could handle this! As with both cried she threatened to call the fired department on me……Dang I am on the Fire Department! That would mean every one of those guys would see me blubbering like a girl here in my house. I stood up and got in the car! God had intervened in my life. Yet God is not done with me stretching me yet……….