Whats going on with Richie 4?

I last left you with the understanding that I suffer from Clinical Depression and anxiety disorder. Apparently that is argumentative to some that this could happen to someone via a bio-chemical reaction to some medication. To you I say whatever! So as Paul Harvey would say “here is the rest of the story!” Being completely irrational and cognitively impaired my wife forced me into our car. We dropped our children off at a wonderful friend of ours home. Then proceed to the hospital were I was admitted into their Psychiatric unit for fourteen days. I have mixed emotions about sharing this because in our culture and in my family these types of problems were just dealt with and not expressed. “Buck up” or the ole pull yourself up by your boot straps was the attitude I generally received. You certainly didn’t go into a psych ward for treatment and help! Which is to me know seems odd considering hours before I had a gun to my head ready to end my life! How do you “buck it up” from that? The other reaction I got was that I needed to pray more! Really, no kidding I am a Pastor I have a clear understanding of the vital need for pray in my life. Another reaction I received was I had sin in my life….. Now for most you this is a no brainer! The bible says “all have sinned” we are all sinners. I know I have sin in my life. I also know that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my sin and that sin is forgiven. But let us not stray into a theological discussion on this point and stick with my story. As the doctors began treating the chemical imbalance in my brain some of the darkness and despair started to lift. The hurt and loneliness and mistrust of people was still there but the hopelessness and despair were waning. This is when I really began to look for what God was doing! The Why? God why are you putting me through this nightmare? God didn’t answer…… not right away. I battled in struggling to find God in all this mess of my life. I will freely admit this was a dark time in my life. I questioned everything. I pleaded with God. I yelled at God. I ignored Him. I cried to him. Then as I was reading my bible God put me in Matt 11:28…… “Come unto me all who struggle all that have falling under the weight of life, Come to me you who are carrying such heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” I cried like a 14 year old girl! (Sorry 14yo girls you will understand one day). God I cannot make it on my own. I cannot go another step with me carrying these burdens. I gave it over to God. I spent my fourteen days there and gained strength. I started to get my feet under me so I could function and they released me. I was free out in the world again. I would love to say it was all peaches and strawberries from then on but it wasn’t! I had many friends who told me they would support me and be there for me. That they would check up on me and encourage me. Some, God bless them, have done just that and been so faithful and true. Other just walked away completely! Some realizing that I was still a mess couldn’t bare the swings in mood and the ups and downs that go with depression. Soon those just faded away! They have their own lives to deal with and their own business to worry about. It was fine! I found some really true friends who rose up and helped me battle what I am going through. You see I know I am not fine. I know I still struggle with loneliness, rejection and abandonment. I battle my mind everyday telling myself that I have friends and people who really care about me. It is a struggle which at times I win and other times I do not. That is what is hard for people to understand! The one day I was driving back from therapy and God in his infinite wisdom and love put a song into my head. What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry Everything to God in prayer. Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere? We should never be discouraged; Take it to the Lord in prayer. Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness; Take it to the Lord in prayer. I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t hopeless! Those friends who are to busy or scared to talk with me arent my worry, much, anymore. I have a friend who loves me and will carry my burdens. I am by no means better. Many nights I suffer in agony and loneliness. Where despair grips my heart. When there is no one to reach out to pull me up. I sing this song! I trust my savior to carry me and guide me. I have more to my story of what is going on but some of it is not information I am able to share. What I wish most is that if you are struggling I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! You are not different we all experience tough times and up and downs. When the downs stay and overwhelm you, its time to talk to someone not “buck it up”! Its not easy! I still hurt I still cry myself to sleep with depression. I still get overwhelmed with anxiety but I have help. I have a Savior!