Whats going on with Richie 4?

I last left you with the understanding that I suffer from Clinical Depression and anxiety disorder. Apparently that is argumentative to some that this could happen to someone via a bio-chemical reaction to some medication. To you I say whatever! So as Paul Harvey would say “here is the rest of the story!” Being completely irrational and cognitively impaired my wife forced me into our car. We dropped our children off at a wonderful friend of ours home. Then proceed to the hospital were I was admitted into their Psychiatric unit for fourteen days. I have mixed emotions about sharing this because in our culture and in my family these types of problems were just dealt with and not expressed. “Buck up” or the ole pull yourself up by your boot straps was the attitude I generally received. You certainly didn’t go into a psych ward for treatment and help! Which is to me know seems odd considering hours before I had a gun to my head ready to end my life! How do you “buck it up” from that? The other reaction I got was that I needed to pray more! Really, no kidding I am a Pastor I have a clear understanding of the vital need for pray in my life. Another reaction I received was I had sin in my life….. Now for most you this is a no brainer! The bible says “all have sinned” we are all sinners. I know I have sin in my life. I also know that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my sin and that sin is forgiven. But let us not stray into a theological discussion on this point and stick with my story. As the doctors began treating the chemical imbalance in my brain some of the darkness and despair started to lift. The hurt and loneliness and mistrust of people was still there but the hopelessness and despair were waning. This is when I really began to look for what God was doing! The Why? God why are you putting me through this nightmare? God didn’t answer…… not right away. I battled in struggling to find God in all this mess of my life. I will freely admit this was a dark time in my life. I questioned everything. I pleaded with God. I yelled at God. I ignored Him. I cried to him. Then as I was reading my bible God put me in Matt 11:28…… “Come unto me all who struggle all that have falling under the weight of life, Come to me you who are carrying such heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” I cried like a 14 year old girl! (Sorry 14yo girls you will understand one day). God I cannot make it on my own. I cannot go another step with me carrying these burdens. I gave it over to God. I spent my fourteen days there and gained strength. I started to get my feet under me so I could function and they released me. I was free out in the world again. I would love to say it was all peaches and strawberries from then on but it wasn’t! I had many friends who told me they would support me and be there for me. That they would check up on me and encourage me. Some, God bless them, have done just that and been so faithful and true. Other just walked away completely! Some realizing that I was still a mess couldn’t bare the swings in mood and the ups and downs that go with depression. Soon those just faded away! They have their own lives to deal with and their own business to worry about. It was fine! I found some really true friends who rose up and helped me battle what I am going through. You see I know I am not fine. I know I still struggle with loneliness, rejection and abandonment. I battle my mind everyday telling myself that I have friends and people who really care about me. It is a struggle which at times I win and other times I do not. That is what is hard for people to understand! The one day I was driving back from therapy and God in his infinite wisdom and love put a song into my head. What a friend we have in Jesus, All our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry Everything to God in prayer. Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere? We should never be discouraged; Take it to the Lord in prayer. Can we find a friend so faithful Who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness; Take it to the Lord in prayer. I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t hopeless! Those friends who are to busy or scared to talk with me arent my worry, much, anymore. I have a friend who loves me and will carry my burdens. I am by no means better. Many nights I suffer in agony and loneliness. Where despair grips my heart. When there is no one to reach out to pull me up. I sing this song! I trust my savior to carry me and guide me. I have more to my story of what is going on but some of it is not information I am able to share. What I wish most is that if you are struggling I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! You are not different we all experience tough times and up and downs. When the downs stay and overwhelm you, its time to talk to someone not “buck it up”! Its not easy! I still hurt I still cry myself to sleep with depression. I still get overwhelmed with anxiety but I have help. I have a Savior!

What is going on with Richie? Part 3

I almost quit writing these....apparently I am just seeking attention and should keep these things private. I almost believed that until I received a note from an old friend in the military. He told me that he had been in the same exact place I was and he had a failed attempt! Praise God! I received another note from a friend that while I was sitting on the edge of my bed he was going through one of the worst times in his life also. I had another friend tell me about a tragedy that had happened in his life that almost drove him to suicide and the depression that followed him. If you think I am seeking attention then the answer for you is simple, don’t pay attention. These men and some women have all told me about their lives and their stories not because they wanted attention or thought I needed attention but because I think we have all been to that same point in life. For some it is hard to imagine how someone could kill themselves. Shoot I was one of those people. My cousin killed himself he was like my little brother. I could never understand why? Not atleast until I sat on the edge of my own bed with my own gun under my chin. I knew what he felt. Have you ever come inside on a bright sunny day and had the brief moment where your eyes had to adjust and before you could see? Everything is black! Have you ever gone on those mine tours where they take you down into the mine and shut the lights off just so you get the effect of how dark it can be? That is the place I am at on the edge of my bed! No hopes, no tomorrow, just despair and utter darkness. You cannot see the ones who loved ones standing there in front of you. You cannot see the beauty that lay in front of you in your own children! The idea that tomorrow might be better doesn’t even cross your mind. Tomorrow is just another day of turmoil! Another day filled with pain, hurt and sorrow. Oh I can now understand why people do it! You see I was suffering from Clinical Depression. I was in grave danger and didn’t know it. I had been for days wandering around in this darkness grasping in the dark for help. Longing for something or someone to pull me out! Those who tried I ended up driving away with my mistrust and craziness. Others tried but they were too scared to say something or do something! Yet others just walked away. The depression took every rational thought I had and spun it around. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. My mind wouldn’t stop the questions and questioning of everything. Did my wife love me? Do my children love me? That friend wont talk to me, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Why are they looking at me and talking? Are they talking about me? There is a logical clinical explanation for this but I didn’t know that at the time! I was just depressed and suicidal. For me this is where God did a miracle. Suddenly through the darkness I could hear my children playing. I could hear their voices and laughter. I could see their faces and the faces of my family. The faces of some dear friends I had been through so much with and whom I deeply loved, God put all of these into my head! I couldn’t do it! I stood up and unloaded my gun. I walked into the living room where my kids were playing and sat down and just cried. At that moment unknown to me my wife was on the phone with the Crisis Intervention team because she was worried about me. They advised her to bring me to the hospital right away because of my diabetes. She didn’t hesitate! She rushed our kids to the car and demanded I get into the car! I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t go, I was a pastor! I was a man and I could handle this! As with both cried she threatened to call the fired department on me……Dang I am on the Fire Department! That would mean every one of those guys would see me blubbering like a girl here in my house. I stood up and got in the car! God had intervened in my life. Yet God is not done with me stretching me yet……….

Whats wrong with Richie? Part 2

David Crowder signs one of my favorite songs, “everything glorious”! The chorus goes “You make everything glorious, You make everything glorious, You make everything glorious and I am yours so what does that make me?” You know my intention with sharing some of what is going on in my life was to show how God is working and to help others understand “what is going on with Richie?” I was gonna post about once or twice a week until today. I have been barraged by “Christians” who are telling me that I am “seeking attention” or “the world sees how you are acting”. One thing I noticed is that none of these asked how they could help or pray for me…………. Wow! So here is another part of the story of Richie! As I sat in that Wal-Mart parking lot crying over what was to come. Feeling abandoned, betrayed and alone I felt God push me on and say this is a path I want you to walk. Now I wasn’t a saint or Billy Graham or anything like that! I was mad at the world mad at my wife and family and friends for not being there when I needed them! Little did I know the free fall I was beginning! I returned home and had a “discussion” with my wife who didn’t realize exactly with the doctor had told me. But God wanted me to walk this path and I accepted it! I began taking my pills. Little by little a dark cloud began to surround my little world. I became easily irritated especially with my family and my children. Which hurts me to this day! We won’t even talk about driving around to Brainerd or the cities! The few friends I had I totally withdrew from any interaction with them. I surround myself with no one! I soon realized how alone I was….I mean who does the Pastor confide in? Who does he talk to when he has problems? Whose shoulder does he cry on? I was alone with all this pent up anger, frustration, fear and trepidation. I was spiraling farther and farther in to my dark world filled with loneliness and hopelessness. Likely my wife began to see that something was seriously wrong! She began to look at the drugs I was on and suspected that this new one was causing some problems. But through the Doctors advice and others I continued to take the drug. Its Christmas time and I don’t want to see anyone! At all! Worse upon that while I am sinking into my darkness farther and farther on Christmas day I get the flu! I wanted to die….not just because of the flu but I was convinced that my family would be better off with out me! These days are the worst days of my life in this time period! Worse then losing my dad! I began not sleeping very much or at all. The teens at my church had an all night bowling lock in on Dec 29th. I came home from that lock in and slept one hour. That was it! From Dec 29th to Jan 6th I slept one hour total and that was after the lock in. This is the darkness I never want to experience again. The hopelessness was choking me. The anger I should my children frightened me and the fear that I might do something to them scared me beyond belief. During this time I am anything but a rational person. The world was out to get me! I couldn’t even go in the bedroom to try and sleep! I was on the edge and that edge was the world is better off with Richie! My family will be better without the stress of dealing with me. It was January 5th a Sunday, I have church, not a lot of things for me to do that day because teen challenge is at church. I sat in the back in a complete shroud of darkness, regret, fear and hopelessness. The service ended we went home….the kids were playing in the living room, Beth is on the phone and computer in her office. I went to my bedroom and cried like the was no tomorrow, because I knew there wouldn’t be! I reached up and pulled out my black H&K 9mm loaded it and sat on my bed. If you don’t believe in miracles you’re a idiot! I have more to this story obviously but I don’t leave you hanging too much because I am still here typing! But When I write the next parts of my story I want you to understand yes this is personal but if it helps one person it is totally worth it! For those of you who say continue to say I am just seeking attention, yes you are right! I am jumping up and down saying God does miracles! Don’t look at me but look at what God can do in your life! I am not worried about how you perceive me, I worry about how God perceives me!

Whats going on with Richie?

Ok so I have taken to Facebook a lot to vent what I am feeling! Believe it or not I have caught so crap for talking about what is going on in my life? I am so negative I hear quite frequently. Or it’s the sin in your life. Or friends just stop talking to me and some,half, unfriend me! My therapist, we will get to that later, suggest I write down what I am feeling and when it happens. JOURNAL!! HE WANTS ME TO JOURNAL! Popped immediately into my head. I don’t journal! But given the shallowness of some of my facebook “friends” I decided I would fire up this old blog and use it as a platform for what is happening! Many of you know that we raised chickens this summer. Well 800 chickens to be exact! It was a lot of work and many nights up late dissuading coons from the taste of chicken. Towards the end of our last batch I noticed my hands where shaken all the time like I was cold. It didn’t take my long to realize that something wasn’t right. The shakes weren’t going away. So like any real man I waited til December when my wife made me go to the doctor! Yes Yes I know I should haven’t right away but hey I am tough and I can handle anything that comes my way, or so I thought. My trip to the doctors is typical, high blood pressure (read raising 800 chickens here), overweight, to much stress. My doctor walks in and we begin the talk of whats happening what is my body doing etc. The check up begins! Well it was obvious I had tremors! What were they from? This is all new to me but I did notice I had trouble shooting my bow this deer season. No excuses though. Ok so the doctor is doing her thing and begins a serious of tests I found odd. She is moving my arms around and asking about how I walk, looking at how I walk. She steps out for a while and soon another doctor steps in and does the exact same thing! Ok remember I am a tough guy, I can handle just about any situation that comes my way………. My doctors look at me and give me there ideas of what could be going on! The rattle off a list that they can check through blood work and try some drugs to help with the tremors. Great! No problems! Richie my doctor says wait there are some possibilities we have to seriously consider, you may have MS or Early onset Parkinson’s. UH what did you just say? Wait I didn’t hear you right……..I am 37 no way can those be possibilities! Richie said my doctor “we noticed some cogs in your muscle movements during our testing.” They said that these were some of the indicators of MS and Parkinson’s. I walked out of the hospital in a complete daze……I have to call someone I need to tell someone what is going on! First I tried my wife, she was busy and couldn’t talk! I tried a friend of mine, she just hung up! I tried my mom she was to busy to talk. I tried My sisters no answer…………Here I am sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot balling like a baby going to get new drugs to face the giant in my life. And Everyone I care about, my closest friends and family don’t have time to hear that my life is about to change!!!!

I wanna be rich!!!

I Wanna be Rich?
Sound familiar? It should, it is the underlying ideology in our culture. Now I am not saying that all of us want to be Bill Gates or Donald Trump or that we want to have private planes to fly off to Hawaii whenever we desire. What I am saying is that everything that drives our economy and American way of life is the need, or you can say greed, for the dollar. We are conditioned to make more then our parents. We are marketed to in a way that drives us to get better cars, bigger televisions and smarter phones then our neighbor. The American dream has changed from simply being free to live and direct my life as I choose to having it all!  Now there is nothing wrong with that, however, it has changed the perspective on what it means to be rich. Let's look at the perspective of just how rich we are in the US.

 If you are making the median income in the US, $32,000, you are part of the 1 percent richest in the world! How is that for a perspective? Scary to think that I am included in the richest in the world. Consider the fact that just being born in the US ranks you in the 20% richest in the world. You live in a country that contains 80% of the wealth in the world. The problem isn’t with the riches of the United States, it is with our perspective of money and riches.

Look at a Bible passages with me, 1 Timothy 6:6-14;

6:6 Now godliness combined with contentment brings great profit. 6:7 For we have brought nothing into this world and so we cannot take a single thing out either. 6:8 But if we have food and shelter, we will be satisfied with that. 6:9 Those who long to be rich, however, stumble into temptation and a trap and many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 6:10 For the love of money is the root of all evils. Some people in reaching for it have strayed from the faith and stabbed themselves with many pains.

6:11 But you, as a person dedicated to God, keep away from all that. Instead pursue righteousness, godliness, faithfulness, love, endurance, and gentleness. 6:12 Compete well for the faith and lay hold of that eternal life you were called for and made your good confession for in the presence of many witnesses. 6:13 I charge you before God who gives life to all things and Christ Jesus who made his good confession before Pontius Pilate, 6:14 to obey this command without fault or failure until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ.

There is a lot in this bible passage that speaks to us about our lives and dealing with money! My intention though is just to point out a couple of things. Look with me at verse 6. Paul is writing this to Timothy who is following in Paul's footsteps as a preacher and pastor. Notice what he tells him brings profit, Godliness and contentment. Does that sound like the current American philosophy? Not even close! Yes the desire to gain wealth has always been around and it will never go away. But what is missing in society is contentment. The overwhelming desire for more is increasing in society. Why are we not content with what we have? Paul answered this for us in the beginning of the verse, Godliness. We are further away from God as a culture then ever before. We could look to the old testament and see many examples of the children of Israel drift away from God. Each time they would drift we can see them becoming more discontent in their lives and country. This drift is caused by a heart condition.

That brings me to the second point in this bible passage and probably the most recognizable verse in this passage. Verse 10, speaks not some much about money as it does about the condition of our heart. If money is what we love, then our hearts and minds will be consumed with its courtship. That is what bible hear is warning us about! Remember what Jesus said, "Where you treasure is, there will be your heart also." In the United States our heart is in money. Every political decision is wrapped about in money. The bottom line has become more important the people. This is true in government and in the private sector. You see our hearts, eyes, minds have the wrong perspective.

We find our perspective laid out for us in verse 11. We are to pursue righteousness, godliness, faithfulness, love, endurance, and gentleness. Think about that for a second. If each one of us this month just worked on doing these things what our country would look like! All theological and spiritual implication aside, if we just pursued these things what a transformation we would go through in every sector.

  

So has does this apply to America today? We really have no idea how wealthy we are in the US. Our perspective of what is poor is so skewed we are confused as to what is poor.  I don’t intend to say we should not be helping those in our country who are needy. My point is we have to have an understanding of how much we do have so that we may reach out to those who do not!  We must continue to help others in our own country and around the world. Doing this with a proper perspective may require taking inventory of the blessings we already have and not focus on what we don’t have. Because when we see how truly blessed we are and what we have, our perspective will be much different.

In the next coming weeks I will be in an area of Ecuador that is financially poor. The people on the other hand are unbelievably loving and caring. They are rich in many ways that many of us couldn’t understand. I will be sharing with you my experiences and thoughts while I am away!

Solid Ground

So I have had a great internal debate as to how much of the spiritual aspect I should go into on my blog. I like for all to be able to read what I have learned and take something from it and use it into their own lives. But when it comes to spiritual and religious things people tend to get their ire up quickly. So in my mind the debate raged! I know what your saying "there is alot of room for that fight up there!" Well yes that is true! But, I came to the conclusion that I believe what I believe because I studied hard and searched intently to understand. The same way I did with everything else in my life! So if I share my relentless desire to better myself physically and mentally I also should share what I have learned spiritually! So here it goes......

C.S. Lewis wrote, "There are lots of things you can do with sand; but do not try building a house on it." This is a wonderful statement if you understand the how foundations work. Sand is not a stable source to build upon. It will not pack and washes away very easy. Jesus used this illustration in the bible with the foolish man who built his house and the sand. And the wise man who built his house on the rock. The meaning behind the parable is that we should be build our lives on things that are solid! My intent here is not to debate or start an argument for Christianity. My intent is to simply ask what have you built your life upon? Through my adolescent and teenage years I did many things that I am not proud of, I was self centered and very very egotistical. I lived for me, for what made Richie happy and never gave a second thought about anyone else. I begin to study the bible. Now, not out of a want of spiritual gain but out of the idea that I was tired of my family using it to try to "help" me. As I studied I began to see that the facts and stories and the history found in the bible could be verified! I was stunned by this! I had gone through college and was taught that these were just fairy tales and stories made up to illustrate certain religious points. Yet here I find scholar after scholar who can attest to the times and places. The major hang up comes with the miracles we find happening throughout the bible.....are they true? What I found....Yes they are! Now I don't want you to take my word for it.  Don't believe cause I believe you go and look and study for yourself. Physical I cannot lift weights to make you stronger or do cardio to make you healthier. Mentally I cannot read for you to make you smarter! You need to do these things on your own and by yourself. Don't look around or look at someone else and what they have done, just do it yourself! Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and ask, "what have I built my house on?" Consider that maybe the reason you are struggling and not happy is because you have been building in the wrong spot!

Failure is good for you! Really....

I don't know if you have noticed in recent years that our culture avoids failure. My oldest son played youth baseball this summer. They didn't keep track of the score in their baseball games. So me being the person I am asked why? The answer....... they didn't want to discourage the kids if the lost. Really? So we want them to grow up to think that they can always win? We want  them to think they should be successful at everything? That is crazy! This wont build character! Failure builds endurance, perseverance and persistence. We have all heard the examples of people like Thomas Edison. Someone once asked Edison about the 1,000 patents he had on failed light bulbs and if it discouraged him? His reply, was that he had learned a thousand ways not to build a light bulb! Now that is a totally different way of looking at failure! 
How about Micheal Jordan? Now I wont lie I am a huge Jordan fan! No pun intended! Jordan was cut his freshman year from the basketball team. Instead of letting that failure get him down and discourage him, he let it fuel him and drive him to become one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Even after being in the NBA failure drove him to be better and never let losing or failing bother him. Here is a great Nike commercial that shows it....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc. He always let those faults and failure drive him to better his game and himself.

The point for us? Do not let failure hold you back! We have to change our mental prospect or view on failure. We need understand that we cannot win every baseball game. So times our business' will fail, our friendships will fail. Even our diets will fail! But that is not an excuse to just give up. It should be what drives us to become better. We can, like many in society, let failure destroy our lives or we can let it fuel us to the top. If you grew up in the 90's you will understand this, " I wanna be like Mike"! Light a fire inside and go after it! Don't let a fear of failure control you, hold you back anymore. Be relentless!



 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4 : 13