Whats wrong with Richie? Part 2

David Crowder signs one of my favorite songs, “everything glorious”! The chorus goes “You make everything glorious, You make everything glorious, You make everything glorious and I am yours so what does that make me?” You know my intention with sharing some of what is going on in my life was to show how God is working and to help others understand “what is going on with Richie?” I was gonna post about once or twice a week until today. I have been barraged by “Christians” who are telling me that I am “seeking attention” or “the world sees how you are acting”. One thing I noticed is that none of these asked how they could help or pray for me…………. Wow! So here is another part of the story of Richie! As I sat in that Wal-Mart parking lot crying over what was to come. Feeling abandoned, betrayed and alone I felt God push me on and say this is a path I want you to walk. Now I wasn’t a saint or Billy Graham or anything like that! I was mad at the world mad at my wife and family and friends for not being there when I needed them! Little did I know the free fall I was beginning! I returned home and had a “discussion” with my wife who didn’t realize exactly with the doctor had told me. But God wanted me to walk this path and I accepted it! I began taking my pills. Little by little a dark cloud began to surround my little world. I became easily irritated especially with my family and my children. Which hurts me to this day! We won’t even talk about driving around to Brainerd or the cities! The few friends I had I totally withdrew from any interaction with them. I surround myself with no one! I soon realized how alone I was….I mean who does the Pastor confide in? Who does he talk to when he has problems? Whose shoulder does he cry on? I was alone with all this pent up anger, frustration, fear and trepidation. I was spiraling farther and farther in to my dark world filled with loneliness and hopelessness. Likely my wife began to see that something was seriously wrong! She began to look at the drugs I was on and suspected that this new one was causing some problems. But through the Doctors advice and others I continued to take the drug. Its Christmas time and I don’t want to see anyone! At all! Worse upon that while I am sinking into my darkness farther and farther on Christmas day I get the flu! I wanted to die….not just because of the flu but I was convinced that my family would be better off with out me! These days are the worst days of my life in this time period! Worse then losing my dad! I began not sleeping very much or at all. The teens at my church had an all night bowling lock in on Dec 29th. I came home from that lock in and slept one hour. That was it! From Dec 29th to Jan 6th I slept one hour total and that was after the lock in. This is the darkness I never want to experience again. The hopelessness was choking me. The anger I should my children frightened me and the fear that I might do something to them scared me beyond belief. During this time I am anything but a rational person. The world was out to get me! I couldn’t even go in the bedroom to try and sleep! I was on the edge and that edge was the world is better off with Richie! My family will be better without the stress of dealing with me. It was January 5th a Sunday, I have church, not a lot of things for me to do that day because teen challenge is at church. I sat in the back in a complete shroud of darkness, regret, fear and hopelessness. The service ended we went home….the kids were playing in the living room, Beth is on the phone and computer in her office. I went to my bedroom and cried like the was no tomorrow, because I knew there wouldn’t be! I reached up and pulled out my black H&K 9mm loaded it and sat on my bed. If you don’t believe in miracles you’re a idiot! I have more to this story obviously but I don’t leave you hanging too much because I am still here typing! But When I write the next parts of my story I want you to understand yes this is personal but if it helps one person it is totally worth it! For those of you who say continue to say I am just seeking attention, yes you are right! I am jumping up and down saying God does miracles! Don’t look at me but look at what God can do in your life! I am not worried about how you perceive me, I worry about how God perceives me!